Babies!

I just found out that I'm pregnant with baby #4. Yay! It is crazy to me that after 4 kids, I am still feelings I had with every other pregnancy. Such a mixture between "woo-hoo!!" And "oh my goodness-how are we going to do this?!" With each pregnancy, we have been in a place in life where we have been trying to figure things out with Mitch's work/finances when I'm pregnant, and in the past it has all worked out. I hope and pray that this time it does too. Mitch has a very big test for work coming up that determines a lot for his career. He is very nervous, and I really really hope that he passes.

We have been debating another baby for a long time now, about a year. It was something I just couldn't really get out of my mind, so we decided to have one more and make it work! I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago, which I felt really at peace with. I had prayed to Heavenly Father that I had gone over this decision a million times and couldn't decide what was right for our family and just turned it over to him. When I quickly miscarried I just felt like that was Heavenly Father's way of saying it wasn't meant to be then. Before I found out I was pregnant this last time, as I was saying another one of those prayers-basically "we would love one more baby in our family but we are accepting of whatever you have in mind for our family, and whatever is best for us is what we want" I felt this instant clarity and brightness when I said this, and I just knew we would get pregnant this month. I even told Mitch the next day that I just had this strong feeling we were going to have another one now.

I am excited, and I know I will only continue to get more excited, but I just need to write down some of my hesitations with this pregnancy to read back on someday and smile because it was all fine :)

-I love having Ivy as my baby and my sidekick. The thought of having another baby kind of breaks my heart in a way, because she is such a great baby. She loves being the princess and we all love making her our little princess. It will be hard for me to shift gears and not baby Ivy as much as I do now.

-Work, work, work! Please let it all work out!!!

-Am I ever going to be able to get home now with 4 kids?! I don't think I could possibly fly without Mitch anywhere!

-Waking up in the middle of the night. It was never a big deal for me in the past, but I feel much older and more tired now!

Family History

Thanks to my ward, I have dabbled in family history a little this past week. It is amazing to me the way you feel when looking at your family tree. I am extra emotional because I'm tired from working last night, but I haven't been able to keep the tears out of my eyes since I started reading memories and looking at the names of all my ancestors, many that I love so much. The veil feels so thin and I'm so grateful for my grandparents and great grandparents and I miss them. I miss papa and his quiet strength and subtle humor-he was such a rock in everyone's life and made us feel so safe and secure. He was also so smart and hilarious in his own quiet way. He loved tv (American Idol) and butter :). I miss Doni and her warm and affectionate personality. You always felt loved around her. I loved playing cards with Doni! I miss both of them and their testimonies and the way they lead our family and strengthened us all. I miss Grandma Great (norene) and her spunk, strength (not so much the quiet strength like Doni and Papa but loud and quirky strength), her sense of style, and walking from her townhome to the temple in St.George. I am so grateful for all of my ancestors and the way Christ was the center of their life and family was next. And I never doubted that for a minute.

Reading their stories makes me feel like they are near and cheering me on. It gives me more of an eternal perspective and I feel stronger and more capable of doing hard thing. It makes me want to be a better mother/sister/daughter so I can do my part to pass that legacy on.

It also makes me want to live closer to family so that my kids can have those kinds of relationships with their grandparents. But if not-I want to find a way for them to realize what special families they come from. So that one day they will find strength knowing where they came from as well. 

Trials

Right now Mitch is getting ready to take his exam for healthcare administration. He is busy with work and studies, and I am working nights to supplement our income and trying to be a good mom even though I'm tired and having a hard time keeping up. We are tired and stressed, and often overwhelmed. We live far from family and don't have the time or money to visit often. We don't even see each other often-so yeah life feels tough sometimes. BUT in the midst of all that-there is so much to be grateful for. I know that sounds cliche but I honestly don't know what I would do without the gospel. When I get overwhelmed when I turn to Christ I feel so much peace and all the weight of the world is completely gone even though the stresses are still there. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He knows what we are going through. Tonight I listened to a conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf and cried the whole time because it couldn't have been more perfect for what I needed to hear. I feel so strengthened by Him-when I look at all the good things my kids are learning despite all of our shortcomings I know that Heavenly Father is helping us raise them and I am so grateful for that. So even though I hope life evens out a little soon and we don't feel stretched so thin all the time-I am grateful for the chance to really have to rely on the Lord, and know that he is there making up the rest when I just can't do everything. And I am so grateful for the learning and growth that comes through trials. I keep reminding myself-this is like my spiritual workout. When I'm in the middle of a tough workout and it hurts and I want to quit-I usually hate it. But afterwords it feels so good! And I know right now I'm right in the middle of all the painful stuff-but i know there will be a day when all the stresses and disappointment will be gone-and I will be so grateful I endured so I could grow.

Cole has been having a bit of a hard time lately. He has been kinda disobedient and difficult. I have been struggling with how to make him feel loved but still be tough enough on him that he knows he can't act like that. In Elder Uchtdorf's talk he talked a lot about the Savior's love for all of us, and the parable of the lost sheep. I really felt like that is my answer for Cole-is I need to just love him, and help him find his way. I am going on a little date with him tomorrow and I am just going to hope and pray that he finds realizes he's loved and learns how to behave more appropriately.

Well thats it for tonight-fingers crossed Mitch passes his test this month. It would be so HUGE for us.  

mom thoughts

Lately, I have so many things popping through my head that I want to do with the boys. I don't want to forget them, because they are things that I want to do something about so I need to write them down.

-Get better at never skipping days of reading to all the kids
-Make a book of the missions family members went on
-Tighten up on internet security for boys
-Start teaching kids about bodies
https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-4-teaching-children-from-four-to-eleven-years?lang=eng&query=how+to+teach+your+kids+about+sex
-Engage them in a service project
http://www.alexslemonade.org/campaign/stands-and-events/about